A very beautiful, professional Dominatrix was asked, in an interview, what it takes to make a Domina. She offered hints and tips under these headings:
Don’t be short;
Make space in your wardrobe;
Shop at B&Q;
Stand up straight;
Always keep the Dettox handy.
I presume she has her tongue firmly in her cheek, because this sounds so clinical. I see things rather differently……!
You can of course be any height to dominate, and in fact some submissive males would prefer the smaller, petite Domina to emphasise the situation being about feminine control of the mental kind, rather than anything to do with pure physical strength. Whatever your preference in this regard dominance has, in reality, very little to do with appearance and a great deal to do with inner disposition, technical ability, being a theoretician, artistry, flair and experience of life.
Making space in your wardrobe presumes that one is financially able to expand into fetish attire. That is not possible for everyone and should not count against someone with an interest in this area. Or perhaps she intends to hang a slave in it?!!
I would much prefer to shop at Fetters, rather than B and Q!
Stand up straight is good advice for a dancer! Yes, that will add to an imposing manner, sloppy posture gives the wrong impression, but again it’s hardly crucial.
Always keeping the dettox handy makes it sound like you are doing some sort of medical procedure, (perhaps for a medical fetish you would be!), and that the interaction is necessarily going to be messy, unhealthy etc! It calls to mind not being ‘contaminated’ by your clients. A very sensible item to have in a Domina’s tool kit no doubt but depending on the type of scene enacted, hardly essential.
My list (not in any particular order) would be rather different;-
• Make the most of your appearance.
• Refine your aesthetics.
• Educate your intellect.
• Practice only those techniques you are proficient in. Learn about others before you do them.
• Have empathy for your submissive.
• Be supportive to fellow practitioners.
• Cultivate a spiritual/political perspective to the work you are doing.
• Be organised.
• Be consistent, set the agenda.
• Be honest to a fault.
• Retain humility.
• Buy the best equipment you can afford.
• Have a grounded sense of self
• Develop your own style
• Act strategically
• Be reliable
• Cultivate self-belief
• Be prepared to walk away if a submissive continually takes you for granted, breaks your heart or runs circles round you.
• Admit when you are wrong and make amends.
• Make sure you find ways to relax have interests outside of the scene and avoid fetish fatigue.
• Take yourself seriously but be able to laugh at yourself too.
The scene puts forth a model of what a Dominant is, which emphasises the outward signs. The internet and BDSM books and magazines can provide instructions about how to speak, act, dress and conduct a scene. This information can be useful and provide guidance. However it’s rare to see mention of, or concentration on, the underlying characteristics of dominance. If the outward trappings aren’t based on a firm foundation, they can create an artificial construct. If a Domina dresses in the most fantastic fetish gear, is charismatic and has a collection of expensive SM accoutrements, does that necessarily mean they have personal stability, wisdom and a taste for domination? These are the very things that, in my opinion, establish a foundation for someone to control another person. No, they could well be a very good looking woman with natural sex appeal, someone who prefers the submissive role or an individual who is using the role as a means to another end. Worse they could be a predator. I would like to see less acting as if in control, and more of simply being in control.
Essentially, to control another person, we must be in control of ourselves. This is harder than might commonly be assumed. Many Dominants in the BDSM scene that I have met are indeed stable and doing their best to express themselves authentically in the many varied ways we see this world. When I see pro Dominas giving up their time to put their skills to use, for a charity fundraiser for example, I am impressed. A Dominant, who donates their skills for something of social value outside the scene, is doing something I applaud. People who are into the lifestyle can be focused on their own sexual pleasure or financial gain, to the exclusion of all else. Let’s use what we have, Dom or sub, to contribute something to the wider world – it’s all a question of balance.
Being in control is about having an inner conviction of the right course of action or approach. When you are Dominant with those around you, you are allowing others the benefit of this control, whereas being controlling is about being insecure and thus demanding that others assure you that you are wonderful. It is the antithesis of dominance in the BDSM realm, but this approach can easily be mistaken for the same thing.
Being controlled by someone with a messed up existence is not a gift, but a burden. Don’t misunderstand me here. I am not penalising anyone with problems and saying they can’t participate in the scene. But when I see someone who freely admits their life is a mess in every area, and yet they can only blame others for this, I doubt that, in reality, it’s quite as simple as that. Let’s all take responsibility for our choices and not provide those people, who are not of our persuasion, with the opportunity and ammunition for the accusation that the acronym S and M stand for sad and mad!